I probably need to get laid

Hellooooooo. Missed me? I missed you guys. I’ve been busyyyyyyy. With super random boring stuff. Work. Studies. DATING. But not with the good stuff. I mean not with stuff like… umm… you know… lemme tell ya after the break, alright? Alright. (keep reading!)

Intro over? Phew. So, not with… the sex. I mean not with the sex with the bois (no, not the girls either). I have been on a bit of a dry spell. Mostly intentional, but still. It’s hard sometimes. People who have been in relationships before, and then not, they know. Once you get used to it, quitting cold turkey is a bit like quitting smoking. You start doing it, you start liking it, you start doing it waaaaay too much, and then BAM. Nothing.

Well, nothing is a bit of a strong word. I’ve been playing. Oh boy. I’ve been toying myself bananas. I’ve been rubbin’ ‘n squishin’ ‘n humpin’ ‘n fuckin’. I’ve had orgasms that woke up the entire building. I’ve watched so much weird porn I don’t know whether it’s normal to stick flowers up your butt while drinking cum from a watering can. I’ve been sent so many dick pics I can start a website.

I’m ranting. Thing is: I’m chronically horny. I already was chronically horny, but this is worse. Everything I do, everything I say, it’s all with this one thought in my mind.

FUCK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

And the worst part is! I have actually been dating. I’ve been going for drinks, I’ve been to clubs, I’ve kissed, I’ve even had one super awkward “hey what are you doing” – “I’m trying to finger you” – “Ok, maybe not do that?” moment. But I’ve become so damn picky, too. I can’t ruin all this build-up with banging some random guy. I need my next time to be – ugh – special.

I’ve talked to Jackie about this. Jackie, as you may recall, is my lesbian BFF. She’s seen me naked more often than anyone in the world. After her initial tries to get me to do her instead (“I’m not ready for it” – “Yes you are” – “It’ll get weird” – “No it won’t”), she actually tried to help. But even Jackie, Miss imma-tease-you-till-you-have-an-orgasm-just-by-drinking-hot-coco, didn’t know what to do.

I do. I need to get laid. I need to find a man that says: “Hey, this whole waiting thing, it’s not for you. Let’s end this right here, right now.” Until that time, I’m gonna be going to work commando, touch myself on the bus, and have orgasms on the bike.

Oh, who am I kidding. I’ll probably do that anyway 😉